my obsession is the past. it's so dumb. anyway, my friend just told me that it was obvious i had a crush on this person i had a crush on. and now i feel like, 'damn! it was obvious, this means that a- everyone knew, which makes me embarrassed and b- it was obvious, so the crushee knew and just didn't like me back!' now, while these aren't completely unreasonable things to think, the crush in question was like 8 years ago. what the hell is wrong with me?
al
-al
1.23.2004
why can't we be friends?
so for the first time since his wedding, i hung out with my brother. this was 2 tuesdays ago. just the two of us. it was a little weird but not too weird. except what we did was go see a taping of the sitcom whoopi, which, as you may or may not know, is really awful. all the jokes are either about whoopi's character being a drunk, or they are about race. and it would be one thing if they were at all funny or witty or anything really. but they are tired. really tired.
anyway, half way through the taping, well, maybe more than halfway, i fucking came down with some horrible illness and had to go home, where i upchucked all on the stairs in the hallway (thanks to whoever cleaned that up) and then again just outside my apartment. then after a few more hocks into the toilet i fell asleep on the floor of the bathroom. eventually i got up, made a few phone calls for comfort, texted dom to tell him i got home ok, took my temperature, which i failed at a few times, and then went to bed for as long as i could. i was ok the next day.
so i emailed him to say sorry about ditching him and stuff and he hasn't written back. i feel like there are like dating rules here but since it's not dating i don't know what to do. but i don't have anything to invite him to do. in the summer he is moving to connecticut and i guess he'll be sort of gone for good. which is sad for me.
sorry if i'm being a little incoherent. it's late, i feel funny. i dont' know what's wrong. probalby dehydrated or something. but anyway, as an aside, it would have been much much much cooler if i'd waited it out at whoopi and fucking thrown up in the studio. right? right. i want to make a throwing up stories zine. yeah. yeah. i would write about throwing up at the UN. though it sounds cooler when you don't know the details.
al
-al
like the corners of my mind
i dreamt about my fucking highschool reunion. when will this end?!? i really thought i was over this shit. at least it took place in the future (the reunion should be next year sometime). i don't even care. i know what everyone is doing. i know i don't have to impress them. what is it that makes me feel unresolved? i also dreamt i found a gameboy underwater, which is just weird.
i also thought i heard a mouse at 5 am. i dont' know if i did hear, but it freaked me the fuck out and then i had to go play pipe dreams for a while and then i tried to sleep but i just kept fucking thinking. though at least not about the mouse. i thought alot about ladyfest actually. i thought about how i can see why there should be ladyfests but how i also kind of think there could be something better. something not lady specific. something that is just a fest with default lady domination, like how most fests are male dominated. or something. i also think it would be cool if ladyfests focused more specifically on their area. i know they do, but often the same people will play ladyfests all over but you know, they are only from one place.
so now it's 3 and i'm still up. argh. what is wrong with me. actually, i sort of know. i keep forgetting to take my meds. but you'd think that wouldn't completely fuck me. you know?
and now.... i will list for you movies i've seen because i work at coney's:
1. Mommie Dearest (over and over and over and over)
2. a joan crawford documentary, i don't know the name or where it's from. (over and over)
3. Just Married.
4. Straight Jacket (starring joan crawford, a few times over)
5. Alice In Wonderland (i had seen it before, but i probably wouldn't have ever seen it again)
6. Deathrace 2000 (though i rented it myself)
7. When Animals Talk
8. Sweatin' To The Oldies 2
9. Casino Royalle (added 1/23)
i'm sure i'll remember some more later. stay tuned....
they played warriors when i wasn't there. damn them. i want to see that.
-al
fucking yeah
so i watched Deathrace 2000 at work today. i remember that i saw it a lot of times when i was little and it left a 'naughty' feeling when i thought about it but i couldn't really remember it. now i'm thinking about buying it. but maybe that is silliy since i just saw it. seriously though, go watch this movie.
also, i now have a crush on mary woronov who played calamity jane in the movie. you probably know her as the the principle from rock and roll highschool (another movie that left the naughty impression on me for whatever reasons). anyway, i had no idea she was like a b movie star. i just always recognized her when i saw her as 'that lady'. but she was all in with warhol and stuff. i want to read her books now but the library (i've sworn off paying for books for a while) doesn't seem super keen on her. you know what they should have? a netflix for books. would that even make sense? probably not. but it would be neat.
oh, and remember that bit about needing a job? if it involve cataloging stuff like i was a librarian that would be cool. but i can also dance. or bartend. or barista (which is probably not a verb). or be an escort's driver/bodyguard, though i don't have my own car. or be a 'sexy lady for roleplay only'. no, i'm serious.
-al
sigh
so i was just looking at jasmine's livejournal because she said there was a picture of me there and the pictures she had on there made me want a digital camera real bad. add that to the fact that i want a fucking g4 powerbook and, well, if anyone wants to give me a few thousand dollars, i will totally call you and say thanks. now, don't you want me to call you and say thanks? right.
seriously though, g4 powerbook=awesome. so awesome. phew.
so coney's (where i work) has been so slow. slower than before christmas i think. and i know/hope it's totally related to the fucking arctic cold somehow or other and i really dont' want to quit. i really like it there, it's pretty dope. yeah, i said dope. why do you always have to make me so self concious? huh? anyway, i need another job. an additional job. i need to make a lot of money with only a little work. isn't that what we all deserve? right. so i saw a go go dancers wanted listing on craigslist and i totally want to respond, but you need a 'recent photo' and well, the only one i have is on on jasmine's livejournal and it's not appropriate. which of course, just brings us back to how i want a digital camera. woo. though honestly i don't even know what kind of picture would be appropriate.
seriously though if anyone has a job opening that's like 2 days a week, let me know.
-al
1.11.2004
why you gotta make things so complicated?
yes, i'm quoting avril lavigne. i was in some restaurant the other day, waiting for my to go quesadilla, which eventually made me sick, and this song was on. i was paying attention to the lyrics. if you haven't heard them, they are basically like, "how come when you are alone with me you are cool and when you're around other people you put up this front and act like everyone else". and i was thinking about it, because in the song the person she's singing to is putting up a front liek they're 'normal' and when they are 'themselves' they are all punk rock and shit, so i was thinking about how freaking long it's been since i'd considered the idea of someone pretending to be normal and being punk rock at heart. when did it get all turned around? maybe i never considered it that way, i seriously don't remember. but it got me thinking about how different it is to be 15 and not know what the fuck is going on and being 25 and, well, not knowing what the fuck is going on. but seriously, i just wanted to kind of mention this, because i thought maybe ther eare other people who haven't thought about 'normal' posers in a long time either.
-al
