watching highlander (for hours at a time) is like a parade of stars. and the stars are always the immortals, eh? actually, the one i just saw had sandra bernhardt and she was mortal. but last week i saw wesley from buffy/angel as a diplomats cokehead son who kills an immortals wife, and right now krycek is playing amanda's clyde to her bonnie. i'm sure there were more, definitely some people who i knew their faces and not their names. how come i never got to be on the highlander?
i've noticed that the highlander goes through themes. the last tape i watched was all murder mysteries and the tape before that was all espionage (the espionage episodes also always involved a different immortal experiencing the quickening). right now are the goofy theme episodes. the one with sandra bernhardt was about romance novels and there was no quickening. oh, yesterday i saw the episode where the immortal who had been a slave was now a pro baseball player (also no quickening at the end, by the way) oh, and now i remember will from will and grace was in that episode and the baseball player was definitely in other things.
where was I? oh yeah, so that episode was actually really interesting, because it was about the baseball player's allegience to his race vs. allegience to immortal codes. he killed the slave owner who killed him and his mentor was the slave owner's daughter's husband. i thought the complexity was cool, but it was pretty fucked up that the mentor cared that teh slave ownder was killed, considering. he was like, 'those men were my family'. !!! so fucked up. in the end the mentor forgave the baseball player and the baseball player realised he couldn't let someone else take the fall for him having killed an immortal and being seen doing it. of course that was ridiculous also because you'd think that immortals would constantly be brought up on charges for killing eachother. but i guess they're supposedly usually more stealthy. or something. but anyway can you imagine for a moment, that you are a slave and then you realise you are immortal. now you don't know slavery is ever going to end. you don't know what the future holds (and even if you did, you'd see centuries of oppression for your people, right?) not to mention you were killed by your slaver for having sex with his daughter, which you didn't do, some white boy did it. i would have killed him too and i wouldn't have regretted it. and if i was teh mentor guy, i wouldn't have married a slaver's daughter to begin with. i mean, how can they say they aren't getting mixed up in politics when they are participating in the subjugation of people? i mean, if you're gonna stay out of it, stay out of it, but you can't be part of the problem adn be like, 'i'm not involved.'
i just realised that this episode is part of a romance between duncan and amanda series. just so y'all know.
-al
10.29.2003
chigga what?
you feel that? no, really, you feel it? that, my friends, is winter coming. and it sucks. suck suck suck suck.
it's very weird being home from tour. weird because it doesn't really totally feel like tour happened. i can't decide if i'm adjusting to being home pretty well or really badly. i think that if it wasn't alternating between cold and getting cold, i'd be having a better time of it. but maybe not. but that combined with the fucking up taking my meds and i just started bleeding add up to me feeling down and unmotivated and it kind of sucks. i can feel myself descending into the whole depression thing and id ont' really know what to do about it. i'm trying to assume it's the meds/period and and i'll be fine in a few days. i hope. it's also weird because osc is away and will pretty much be away for the next 2 months. it's hard to eat right when you're eating alone. not that i eat 'right'. but i don't know, i'm just obsessed with how i'm not eating right i guess. something is definitely wrong with me. oh, and my therapist is sick and i'm not sure when i'll see her. good times.
so my dad tapes the highlander for me. the highlander tv series that is. when i got home from tour he had 24 hours worth for me (though that is not quite true as the tapes are peppered with episodes of dead like me (enh) and carnivale(so far so good). anyway, highlander is on spike tv, for those of you who don't know, the official 'first network for men' (though playboy has had it's own channel for decades.). my dad tapes off tivo, so he can fast forward through the commercials, but sometimes he misses a bit and it slips through. yeah, and all of that was way more information than you needed, but i don't have cable and maybe you don't either and i want to talk about cable. specifically, they play CSI on spike tv on fridays and the commercials are pretty fucking sick. basically, it's all "we know where the cool girls ar eon friday nights". dead girls! "skip the velvet rope and go for the yellow tape.' so, basically, you can get off on violence and death instead of actual sex with real people. rock!
this is one of those things that just makes me angry and i can't really do anything about it. i'm sure some of you don't even understand what's fucked up about that, which is fine, but i wish i could explain. i feel like i can't explain anything ever. god, my whole life is just a series of misunderstandings.
speaking of misunderstanding, my new roommate, i feel like she misunderstands everything i say. i think it's more pronounced with her because i've really only known her a few days. but really, i feel like every other thing i say is 'no, i mean, [iteration of whatever i was saying].' either that or i just ignore it and act like what you think i said is what i said. it's really frustrating. i feel like i'm losing my mind.
i've seen eric only about a minute since i got back from tour. do you think this means we aren't BFF anymore?
i don't really feel like this is home. i miss meg. it's so weird to come home to this different living situation. i dont' know what it is. i don't know if it's real, like there's no chemistry between joanne and i, or if it's just that i wasn't involved in choosing her, or because i don't know her well enough yet. i guess it was awkward with jasmine once. but i can't quite remember. but i just don't feel as at home as i wish i did. oh, and of course, it might not have to do with her at all. it could be me and my stupid depression.
osc has been talking about moving the past few days. he wants to move out of this apt, if not out of the city. it's weird because i've wanted to move for so long and now i'm kind of like, enh. i like nyc. i wouldn't mind living in a nicer place, one that didn't make me feel dusty all the time. but osc wants to live just the two of us and i'm really not sure about that. i like having people around. i know he hates it and i understand, but i really don't want to live just the two of us. i think it'll be really lonely. but i can see a situation that would be better for us. maybe if we lived in a house where there was more privacy or something.
ok, sorry for all the rambling. i figured if i was gonna be up and doing nothing all this time, i should at least babble to someone instead of to myself. right? right.
-al
comments are back
rocket.
-al
10.28.2003
on law and order
schizophrenia is scary.
-al
i done wrong
yeah, so on tour i had a lot of trouble remembering to take my medicine. it got really erratic and then before i got my refill i had 3 days with no pills. and i'm pretty sure i'm feeling it. i'm really tired, pretty unmotivated and easily pushed to being irritable and unhappy. oops. i didn't realise how erratic the pill taking had gotten. it just sucks because i should probably tell my therapist and the psychiatric nurse who i have to see soon and i feel like i really fucked up and i really don't want to tell them. i don't know, you know, maybe i could have been close to stopping altogether but because i didn't stop supervisedly, i set myself back. i don't know, i'm just getting worried. and it doesn't help that i left my pills in my back pack and left my back pack in my parents' car today.
i just saw a commercial for swiffer with the theme song of 'swiff it', using 'whip it', obviously and i was kind of terrified to realise that their demographic, parents, you know, that song was like what they listened to in highschool, so it's not just a cute reference, it's actually totally insidious and incredibly well thought out.
i'm pretty sure there was something else i was gonna write, but whatever. remember when i said i was gonna write about the spring tour? way back when. yeah, um, i didn't. i was gonna say i would write about the long tour too, but i don't want to make any more promises i can't keep.
-al
10.27.2003
fuck
so today in bellmore (on LI) the phelps ministry (you know them, they think god hates fags) came out to picket at the highschool and tell the community that have a gay/straight alliance in their highschool made the students think that homosexuality was ok and because of this, a bunch of football players hazed another bunch of football players by sodomizing them. (i'm using hte word 'sodomize' because the news did. i would say rape but people assume that means a penis was involved. but you can sodomize consensually, while rape doens't happen that way. i think saying sodomize makes it seem less bad.) anyway, what i want to know is, if this is the case, wouldn't straight rape stop if we just stopped telling everyone that heterosexuality was ok?
check out this creepy fucking flyer for it. i wish i'd known about this before but i'm totally out of the loop. enh, i probably wouldn't have gone anyway, but fuck man, what is wrong with these people? they came out from kansas for this.
ok, i just did a little more research and saw this blog entry, and while i am outraged, i won't be so articulate as this, so why don't you read it, right? right. i haven't even read the article about the incident, but the stuff this person refers to (calling the victims names in the hallway and that fucking bullshit) is really fucking sick. remember when you found out progress is a myth? well, time to be reminded.
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ok, i read the article from new york magazine and to be quite honest, i'm now physically ill. there is so much fucked up in there, both about what happened and how it's presented in teh article. it opens with an account of the rapists father's funeral. who am i supposed to feel sorry for? this kid's sister maybe, that's what i think. it's hard to believe that all that really happened. and then people in the school are harrassing the victims. what the fuck? i want to throw up. no, like really. and then the article starts in talking about the rich rival highschool for no reason and whether the article actually thinks this or the rich kids just do, they totally make it like, 'oh man, those poor kids, they're all about fighting and football and raping people, not like us rich kids'. whether or not those kids feel that way, the writer makes it seem like they do and doesn't really make it seem like that isn't actually true. what the fuck? i say, what the fuck. grrrrr. maybe i should stop reading about this now.
-al
10.21.2003
so i got back from tour on wednesday, i was home for 2.5 days, and now i've been in baltimore for 4 days!! i'm losing my mind. and now we have another show on saturday that is, granted, with majority rule, who are my favorite, but don't tell them because i'm embarrassed by how much i like them, but it's in dc and i feel like tour is never going to end! i want to go home and stay there!!! hrmph. i will be home late tonight. very late tonight. but i'm also missing megan's party on saturday and i was so looking forward to it because i'd be back and comfy and ready to socialize plus it'd be a halloween party, which is awesome, on my favorite day of the year, where we set the clocks back, and because it had a theme, i wouldn't have to agonize about a costume idea. (the theme is dead prom. i think that's awesome. i was gonna wear my actual prom dress and cut it and put fake blood on it and stuff. sigh.)
ok, i just spent like 3 hours looking at message boards and just don't feel like writing right now. so there. so there!!! i need to go home. i've eaten pizza like 5 times in the past 4 days. big sigh.
-al
