you know, i don't look that young. no, really. see, i am 25. therefore, 25 looks like this. just because you have a fucked up old guy concept of 25 doesn't mean i look 18. it doesn't mean i look like i'm in highschool. i am not in highschool. i haven't been since 1995. that's a long time. i had a 20 year old in dc say, 'you look way younger. but, i mean, take that as a compliment.' a college girl in NC said she thought we were all in highschool. a woman in SC yesterday said, 'you are not 25.' i'm just sick of it. i don't want to look OLD. i want to look my age. becuase people treat me like i'm a teenager and i'm not. i'm old, dammit! just fucking deal with it.
people are more impressed with my playing because they think i'm 18. then they find out i'm not and it's like oh. i didn't even play until i was 18. people feel more sorry for us because they think we're 18. people treat us like poop because they think we're 18. and while i don't think 18 year olds should be treated badly or differently than 25 year olds, it's annoying when a band who is all people younger than me act like they're the fucking shit and i'm just some kid trying to be like them. i know complaining isn't very mature. whatever. fuck it.
-al
5.12.2003
lather, rinse, repeat
it's all the same. over and over again. the same conversations. we're saying the same thing again. the same topics, for sure. the same opinions, yeah. the same words and phrases sometimes. the people change. but sometimes they don't. often they don't. and it doesn't really matter, does it? over and over again. it's all the same.
-al
5.10.2003
i guess
and i still wish she was here.
-al
5.09.2003
blah
i swear the music from downstairs is louder everyday. i could open a dance club up in here. i'm really just so sick of the world. bush is going to elected next year i'm pretty sure of it. and what can we do about it? nothing. i can't even read about anything anymore, i can only skim that shit. and it breaks my heart every time.
my nose is bleeding, which makes sense since it's spring and shit. well, it's not bleeding. i've got bloody boogers. which clot and when i pick them my nose bleeds. fucking blood. what the fuck? fucking clots.
sunday is mother's day. so i'm gonna see my brother. yes, that brother. everything went fine at the wedding but it blew up after their honeymoon when they finally got my letter and yelled at me via email about it. i don't care so much about that, as i did nothing wrong i'm pretty convinced. i told her her priorities were screwed up and she wrote back and told me i was the most selfish person she'd ever met. ha, good one! anyway, as i said, it blew up. there were emails. there were avoided phonecalls. there was a brief im with my brother where he was like 'sorry' and i was like whatever. and that was it and that was weeks ago. and no one else in my family knows about it, so far as i know. go mother's day. woo!
someone hurt me really bad. and it's kind of stupid because of how i came to get hurt, but it doesn't make it any better. she doesn't know. i don't think i'll tell her. but it hurts. on the one hand. on another it helps me. because i spend too much time thinking backwards and i really have to start living in the now. it takes so much energy though. to concentrate on the now instead of yesterday or the possible tomorrow (which is pretty much never the actual tomorrow, let me just tell you). anyway she called. i haven't called her back. take that! no actually it's that i've been busy and keep forgetting. really. no, really. but part of me doesn't want to call her back. except it is pretty amazing that she called at all. but no, she hurt me. she's so inconsiderate.
speaking of thinking in the past, i think about highschool a lot. i've been out of highschool twice as long as i was in it, and i still have dreams about it. last night i dreamt i went back there to teach. of course it was a crazy school and there was no classroom and we were all just hanging out. i mean, the dream made sense in a lot of ways. my middle school friend was also there to teach. and i saw her recently and i've been thinking alot about middle school lately (ha! 3 times as long i've been out of there). and my friend from highschool who was planning on being a teacher was there. and i've been thinking about trying to become a teacher. (sex ed anyone? woo!) but still. what the fuck? what can i do to just forget about it and move ahead? anyone? anyone?
-al
