look at them! you know you want one. i want all of them. stupid allergic roommates. and my stupidly dangerous house. and my gross irresponsibility (shit, i have to go water dionysius!).
-al
2.21.2003
fuck
i just realised (though i could be wrong) that the pidgeons that i had previously believe lived in a hole in the concrete wall of my building but somehow the sound of them travelled through into my apartment are actually in the ceiling. we have drop ceilings and it totally sounds like they are in between floors. um, ick. i am totally icked out. i'm thinking about all the poo and piss that must be accumulating. and of course i'm thinking of bed bugs which live on pidgeons. fuck. in addition to the ick factor, i am also fucking frustrated by how i'm imagining the 'super' (that is not actually his job) will react when i tell him. he'll be like, 'this isn't really a proble.' or ' they're just outside'. or something. fuck. i know mice live under our floor. god i hate everything. and i fucking hate how i use 'god' and 'jesus' to make exclamations. seriously. what the fuck?
-al
i don't know where i'm gonna go when the volcano blow
i don't know why i'm even writing right now. it will doubtlessly be rambly. it's late. my head hurts. my belly aches. i only had one glass of soymilk, it shouldn't ache so bad. but whatever.
i'm writing because i don't actually feel like writing at all. i think about writing. but i don't feel like it. even though there is so much i was gonna write about.
i guess what's going on with me right now that i feel comfortable sharing is that my neice is in the hospital. i feel wierd talking about people online. i feel like i'm spreading rumors or something. but maybe that's because i don't feel like i have the whole story or i might misrepresent what's going on. but i'm sure it doesn't actually matter.
my neice is in the hospital. she collapsed yesterday while she was getting ready for her first day at the special school she's being sent to. there has been something 'wrong' with her for a while now. so far as we can tell (we being my mom, i get all my info from my mom, blame her for innacuracies) it goes back to her getting a lot of vaccinations all at the same time. today my mom said taht by the time kids start school, they've had the equivelent of a juicebox worth of diseases shot into them. i don't know if that's true. but she was 6 months old and she got 9 shots i think. so since then she's been either deloping slowly or had her development delayed. that is to say she is progressing, but she's behind. her muscles aren't as strong as they should be. she's 2 and a half but she doesn't walk or talk. she can stand up if she holds herself up and she crawls. (just for the record she is also absolutely adorable and totally awesome). but through the past 2 years she's basically been tested for every possible medical problem and they still don't know what's up. and then yesterday she lost consciousness getting ready for school.
she was conscious again by the time the ambulance got there, but she was 'lethargic'. when i saw her today she seemed pretty much as she usually is. but i don't see her often. they have given her tests all day yesterday and today and don't know why she collapsed. they're keeping her until at least saturday for more testing.
i have a really weird relationship with my family, which i believe has some cultural basis. like, i am not close with them, but i'm not really distant. i felt weird going to the hospital because i don't feel like my presence is particularly comforting to my sister in law. but if i didn't go i think that would be wrong. plus i did want to see them and see that they were as ok as they could be. not to go on a tangent, but i think a lot of my distance with my family has to do also with being the youngest and the only girl (because i think everything has to do with that). and that i'm not really an adult by any good definition. (despite my fucking 25th birthday being only 8 days away). i don't feel a lot of respect from my family and i guess i don't feel like i deserve any. but anyway, i feel like the kid all the time with them. the stupid kid at that. i felt like that today. i felt like i was totally ill equipped to make anyone feel any better. but then again, i doubt anyone else in my family could really make anyone feel better about all this. though at least my other brothers have some things in common they can talk to the parents about. or something. ok , end tangent.
anyway, i am simultaneously completely not believing that kim is in any real danger (that's my neice) and really worried that she is. and i feel so bad for my brother and his wife. i guess i feel helpless. but it's less than that. i just so don't connect with my brother. and so with this i feel so outside of what's going on but so awful about it and i want to do something. but i can't even like, make my brother laugh. i feel so innapropriate all the time. not just with them. all the time. but it is especially apparent when i'm with my family, especially this particular arm of it.
i've run out of steam. sorry if these thoughts aren't complete. i really don't feel like writing. there are other things going on right at this moment. why are there always so many things you just don't want to think about? i'm actually pretty good at not thinking about stuff. at least sometimes. but that doesn't mean i deal with anything.
ok, end ramble. for some reason my cubital tunnel syndrome is acting up. fuck.
-al
2.08.2003
outside
bluestockings is closing. it was the ONLY women-oriented (read: feminist) bookstore in new york city. this is a really big city. it sucks. i just started volunteering there (after about 4 years of thinking, 'i should go volunteer there) a month ago. oops. maybe it's my fault. because i'm not woman enough. they are having a HUGE sale so of course i got a lot of books i don't really need to beef up my already impressive to-be-read collection. when i finally got up the nerve to go, i was so happy. i really thought i'd start doing something instead of sitting around the house all day. i saw community and all that. i feel like i have to start over now. i don't know (again) if i should look to volunteer or work. i think volunteering is maybe a better start, because there's more flexibility. but i find all the volunteer options i see either totally not what i want to do or totally intimidating. not that that all isn't true of working.
i don't mean to put the end of bluestockings into a total context of it's effect on me. it really sucks that it's closing. i don't really even know what to say. i mean, if you don't understand the positive effects a feminist bookstore has, i guess i'm not the one to let you in on it.
i was reading the new issue of bitch and amongst the things i bought at bluestockings was venus. i want to send them cd's to review, but i'm not really comfortable doing that. i wanted to try to play at ladyfest too, but it just doesn't seem right. i feel really alienated from the "women in music" scene because my band is, for all intents and purposes, a boy band. of course there are lots of bands in those magazines with boys in them, but boys do most of the 'work' in my band. i've written just one song, and it was just lyrics. this is the same stuff i was thinking back when i thought it might feel good to be part of ladyfest. do i really belong there?
i mean, i'm really insecure about being a musician. when i see some bands play, i just wonder, what the fuck am i doing playing music? i have no business playing music. actually i was gonna blog about just that a few weeks ago after i saw city of caterpillars play. i know lots of musicians don't write their own stuff. but i want to write stuff. i just don't. i just have nothing in me. and when i do write stuff, i don't really like it. it's hard for me to communicate in prose, how am i supposed to be clear in poetry? i guess that's one of my problems. this driving need to be absolutely clear at all times. and don't ge me started on how i don't really know how to play bass. becuase i just don't.
i don't know why i complain so much. i should just be happy with whatever. but i wish i had some way to express myself. i don't think all my ideas are bad. some might even be good. but no one will know.
wow, so anyway, i don't know. do i have any business in those magazines? because i don't think my being a woman has kept us out of any other magazines, y'know? like our band hasn't been unfairly marginalised. but is that even the point? i don't even know what i'm saying ehre anymore. that's what i get for trying to do several things at once.
ps. i'm actually in a much better mood than this entry implies. just so you know.
-al
2.05.2003
POOP!
i have been pooping non stop for like 6 days. obviously, that is an exxageration. but a serious amount of poop has been excreted from me. way more than usual. which, of course, based on what i read in the comics, means that my butt is a portal to another dimension that hasn't invented sewers. sucks for me. or maybe my insides are rotting from the inside, getting absorbed into my digestive tract, and expelled. i think these two are maybe the only possible explanations. what do you think? no really, comment!
so i haven't blogged in a long time. you might think this means there's nothing going on in my life. or perhaps you've figured there is so much going on i haven't had time. but neither is really true. everything is pretty much the same. i have decided however that i shouldn't put so much energy into being online. like if i haven't checked my message boards in too many days, i freak out and need to schedule several hours to catch up. right now, actually, i'm not online, my roommate is, and i'm all antsy. i don't have anything important to do online mind you. i'm just a stupid addict. addict addict addict.
i had to stop reading the crimethinc.net message board because it was totally mind numbing, in that infuriating way where you just want to kill, but you don't have the energy. oh, message boards have been taking up a lot of my not-blogging time too. i rarely post (never on the crimethinc board). but there is so much to read.
i started writing this whole long blog about my nephew and something disturbing he said to me. but i'm afraid it sounded like i was shittalking him when really i just wanted to say how it effected me. i mean, he's 9, i'm not gonna shittalk him. maybe i'll post it anyway. i had to stop writing it though because it started not making sense.
so um. maybe more blogging to come. you just wait.
-al
