that's all i can say really. i mean, when is it going to be warm again? or just a regular amount of cold. highs are supposed to be in the twenties all through next week. it's 16 out right now. 16! that's farhenheit, folks. i don't know why i even went outside today.
in good news, though not in a real sense, in a consumery sense, the fifth harry potter book finally has a release date! and it's not too long from now. june 21st (which is a saturday. is that normal for books?) harry potter makes me feel good. isn't that dumb? i'm a regressing sort of person though.
-al
1.14.2003
california dreamin
like how i left off the apostrophe? i am so bad. i am a grammar outlaw!
i had this dream where my friend shelby asked me to go to her prom with her. except it was more like a reunion, but it was prom themed so it was formal. and i told her i'd go but then the day of it i had forgotten to get a dress. oops. so i was at her house and this tailor guy said he could probably help me, but i wanted to see if i had a dress at home. so i went home, which was my mom's, and looked for my actual prom dress, which i couldn't find. i looked quickly through my mom's stuff, but nothing. so i just didn't go back to shelby's! i am such a dick. so then it's the next day and for some reason i decide to look through my mother's other closet which of course didn't actually exist earlier. and what do i find? a dress to wear. except it's kind of weird and i am for some reason wearing nylon pantyhose material in several places there is no reason to wear such a thing (like my head). then i realise shelby invited me to another party that night and i'm excited to rectify my assholeness from the night before, but my mom says, 'i really don't want you wearing that' and i'm like, 'party though, mom' and she's like, that's my good dress. i don't remember if i actually made it to the party. i think that's when i woke up and realised i was menstruating.
then, because i of course went back to bed, i had another dream where osc was booking some tours and i was thinking about travelling. i was looking at this online interactive map of california and thinking about fyp. and i was doing find searches for different towns i sort of knew of (like livermore and torrance). then i moved the map a little and like alaska was right there. and then the rest of the world. everything was so big but so close together. and i really wanted to move to california. and then osc was talking all about tours and stuff and i was trying to think of how to get him to move. and if we could get joel to move. or if i'd have to quit the band. because i soo wanted to move.
i hate how it's so easy sometimes to figure out where dreams come from. like they're not just fanciful things. these two are pretty clear to me. my brain reinterpreting thoughts i had the past few days. i have to say though, it felt soo good to want to move so badly and so specifically. it felt bad to know i might have to quit the band and such. but i knew what i wanted which is such a completely foreign concept to me, you wouldn't believe it.
-al
my brother invited osc to his bachelor getaway in las vegas. osc can't go of course because it's too expensive. i hadn't really thought about it until i talked to my brother a minute ago (he was at my mom's, i was looking for my mom to tell her when i can go up there and get my bridesmaid dress altered) how much it sucks that i didn't get invited. i know, i know, it's a fucking guy thing and i guess i'm not a guy. but goddamnit if i'm not fucking sick of being left out of the family because i'm a girl. ok, that's an exxageration. and no, my mom wasn't invited. but you know i have a lot in common with my brother that my mom doesn't. and while i guess it's possible the other attendees might feel weird with me in a strip club, i wouldn't feel weird. and i have no idea how he feels about stippers or whatever, but i'm pretty sure i am more attracted to women than andy is.
ok, for those who don't know, i have 3 brothers. andy, david and dom. dom is only about 2.5 years older than me. dave is 9 years and andy is 12. i feel closest to dom because we have the most history together, you know, we were in school together, went to the same parties, are/were interested in similar things. even though our lives are pretty different now (for instance, he is a responsible and productive member of society and i am not), i still like him a lot.
i forgot how much being the only girl hurt. i only recently started being ok with the whole being a girl aspect of myself. i forgot how it felt to hate it.
this may all seem stupid and petty, but i've had serious gender issues in my life. and i guess i never quite resolved them. i dealt with a lot of the misogyny i harbored. and i was beginning to think that that was that. all that time i thought i was supposed to be a boy was just he misogyny. it was all about the system and what not. but now i'm thinking, you know, it was a lot about them. those stupid brothers. seriously, i am messed up about this. i have felt left out in a lot of ways from this wedding. not cared about. not seen. and ok, maybe i'm the spoiled youngest child but whatever. it's so hard to assert myself as me since i'm not entirely sure who i am. but i feel like the me i am would have more fun with my brothers than with my sisters-in-law, y'know?
ok, i just watched that 70's show, so forgive me the reference. but if you've seen it, and noticed, donna has always been friends with the guys. and the other girl, whose name i can't remember, joined in by way of dating. anyway, it always seemed like donna just wanted to be part of the gang (and the boys were fine with it) but the other girl was always making donna do the girl stuff, like, say, going to the bathroom with her. or whatever. anyway, i've felt like that my whole life, family wise. i just want to be one of the guys but then my sister in law (the one i've had forever, not the one i don't have yet) is there making the binary appropriate. i am so not making sense. in a lot of ways i've always felt more on team boy than team girl, especially family-wise. but no one cares. they just think i'm a crazy feminist who takes things too personally. i mean, i don't feel opressed. i just feel like everyone is putting too much into the gender thing and not enough into the good times good friends relationship thing. you know?
i am kind of disturbed by how much this is making me upset. i forgot. i forgot. but now i remember. fuck gender.
-al
1.06.2003
i wish i could listen to internet radio
there is something about my room that is totally unconducive to living. i think part of the problem is i don't want to touch anything. i have to wash my hands every time i move a book from one shelf to another. so trying to tidy is maddening. there is also this one section of the room that is still totally cluttered and i have to organise organise organise! ugh the filth. what's wrong with me? i used to go a long time without showering. now i feel weird after a day. can i get a what the fuck? thanks.
i'm rotten inside. like an apple with a worm in it. or some other rotting fruit or vegetable metaphor, where the fruit looks ok on the outside but if you bite into it it's putrid. i feel like i'm dying all the time. which i guess we all are but i don't mean it like that. i just can't deal with what i have to deal with right now. i just don't know how to move forward. or i'm afraid to. i'm definitely afraid.
-al
"a tremendous boost for the city."
so the GOP is having their 2004 national convention in nyc. yay! what a boost! the republicans don't think we're gonna get blown up, see! so we're safe! and of course now they can tell us that if we protest, we're damaging the city and the 'city doesn't need any more trouble'. i'm waiting for bloomberg, pataki et al. to care about the people IN the city instead of the poeple they can attract to the city. what about us guys? what about us?
this recent trend, and i mean it's been a couple of days, of spamming me with emails with the subject "jan 6th" or "jan. 19" is really uncool. what the fuck? I AM NOT GOING TO BUY YOUR PRODUCT IF YOU TRICK ME INTO READING YOUR AD! what the fuck i say again. what the fuck indeed.
-al
1.05.2003
whistling in the dark
i slept all day today. fuck. it felt good i guess. i mean, i didn't sleep all day. but we had rehearsal in astoria and then i came home and slept again. and then watched the simpsons, etc. i feel like complete crap. i'm thinking it might be a post holiday kind of thing. a new year kind of thing. a participated in a lot of controlled substance this past week kind of thing. but maybe not. maybe i am crap. that would explain the feeling, wouldn't it?
the front page article on aol earlier, when i checked the weather, but not now, when i checked my email, was about the ELF setting fire to some SUV dealership. the word 'terrorist' did appear. it makes me so sick. destruction of property is NOT the same as destruction of lifes. why don't they call corporations that, say, union bust, terrorists? because they are maintaining status quo instead of questioning it? so fucking irritating. and what can i do about it? sit around and blog. real productive, al. fuck.
my parents went to new orleans and my mom brought back for me take it from me by erin brokovich. she said it was because brokovich talks about how people criticized her for 'dressing like a slut' after years and years of training her to dress that way. which i do think is interesting. i'm just not certain my mom doesn't think this book will 'turn my life around' or something.
i've noticed a lot of personal best of lists for 2002. 10 favorite albums. 5 favorite boyfriends. 6 best sci fi films. whatever. my brain can't even organise things that way. i don't even know where 2001 ended and 2002 began. but then, this is coming from someone who slept all day and just wants to go back.
i haven't seen my roommate in days. i wonder what's up with her but i don't feel right calling to just say, 'hey, where are you dude?' whatever i guess. she's probably ok.
osc is acting odd. but i guess i am too. we suck.
-al
1.04.2003
it's easy being on the road, it's being home that keeps me unstable
i went out to LI to see some friends play last week. they were down from rochester. the door guy/owner of local 7, whose name i want to say is vince, but i really can't remember, asked me how my hand was and it was about 2 minutes after i said, 'pretty ok' that i realised what he was asking about. i have had so many hand issues i just wasn't thinking about it. but i realised that local 7 was the show we cancelled when i stupidly burned my hand a few weeks ago. suck. so now we have no drummer, no shows, no nothing.
well, we have some prospects. two or three. but i'm so scared to get my hopes up. for a while i was like, 'this is ok, we'll tour later.' but now i'm like fuck. what if we don't. what if we never have a drummer? for someone so stable in so many ways, i feel like my life is out of control unstable. that title is a quote from a paul schneider song (osc plays with him). he also can't find a drummer. fuck nyc. nothing is stable except this stupid depression. way to go al's life. even with a steady drummer and a schedule for touring, life is totally up in the air all the time.
i want to tour so bad. i can't believe i've caught this awful touring disease, where i think everything is ok while on tour just because you can't deal with whatever is going on in your regular life. i wish i could make myself ok wherever i am. but i don't. suck suck. ramble ramble. anyway, i do legitimately, not just a running away kind of thing, want to tour. i miss it. it makes me feel like i'm living in the real world, not just in my own mind. though there are a lot of really stressful things on tour that are the same as at home. like osc. but whatever. i want to tour. i'm not even positive when the last time i played a show was. dec 1? something like that. but even that was after like a month of nothing.
blah.
-al
1.02.2003
and now...
i was gonna write about the crazy dreams i had last night but it wasn't very coherent. like something something and then something else kind of thing. oh well. they were really interesting though.
for years i've been putting "murder can be fun" into search engines and finding relatively little. mcbf is, i think i would say, my absolute favorite zine ever. for whatever reason. i have every issue from 4. i remember the first one i picked up was death at disneyland. so good. i picked up the rest. i would go to see hear all the time and look for new ones, though of course they rarely came out. but when they did, so good.
so today i was thinking about mcbf because there is a book about death in my bathroom. i was reading it for like the kajillionth time (while pooping) and there was a bit in there about a beer vat exploding and dronwing some people in the town. and it reminded me of the 'great mollasses flood' i read about in mcbf. so, i sit here, i type in "murder can be fun" and what do I find? -al
