since deciding i have a 'problem' and am not just, as my brother says, 'lazy', i've had the big 'drug question' hanging over me. and here i am at a crossroads. ok, it's not a crossroads. it's not even a fork. i so hate metaphor.
so the 'drug question' has come to a head and i now have lexapro in my possession and it is now a question of taking it. which i will. i'm pretty sure. but i'm scared. i don't really know what to expect. the way the psychiatric nurse talked about it, it sounded so good. i won't hide out in front of the tv. i won't hide out sleeping. i'll have more energy and motivation. so now i'm worried i have too high expectations.
i feel like i'm at the edge of something. will i wake up tomorrow and feel different? no. no? anxiety is all i've ever known. that's how i feel. how can i unlearn it? do i even want to? sometimes i feel like it's all that i am. all that i have. I stopped being ashamed of it when i was able to name it. but maybe i named it too much. maybe it was a scapegoat. and without it i won't have that scapegoat anymore. they told me the drug wouldn't affect my personality. but in a way i feel like a lot of personality has to do with my anxiety. what will i be now? not anxious? that's the ideal. but what if i feel less anxious and i still don't leave the house? i still sleep all day? what then? then i can say i'm just lazy. then i can say i'm just shy. then i can say i'm just overreacting all the time.
i don't know. i don't really know what i'm talking about. there is a lot of stuff going through my head. will i feel side effects? will i have manic episodes? will it make me nauseous? will my libido sink even lower than it's gotten? sex is a chronic anxiety trigger for me already. not sex, but pressure to have sex. what will a lower libido do for me?
i've told a few friends already about my considering meds. i was careful about it because i know some people are against meds and i don't want to be judged, i just want to talk about it. but one person i told, retrospectively, i wish i hadn't. in a way, hers was one of the few opinions that mattered. and she just seemed kind of disinterested. not so much that she judged me but that she already thought i was 'that type of person'.
i'm definitely in the camp of meds can make you better. advil relaxed my menstrual cramps today. what i waver on is should i rely on meds to make me better. maybe i should take herbs instead of advil. or a warm compress. or whatever. know what i mean? shouldn't talk therapy and st. john's wort be enough?
this is the judgement i feel from myfriend. that relying on the pharmaceutical industry to bring us happiness is bad. which it is. but nothing else is working. i didn't bring it up to her very well. i know that. maybe if we'd had more time to talk she would have talked to me. maybe if there weren't all those layers of emotional oddness between her and me, if we didn't have to reestablish our connection every time we saw eachother it wouldn't have come up like that at all. maybe i shouldn't let her opinion count for so much when it's so hard to guage her actual opinion. or either way. maybe i'm just reading too much into it. maybe i am just as mainstream as she thinks i am. i'll just take my happy pill and drone on for the man.
so much anxiety over the prospect of being less anxious. i wouldn't feel all this if i was taking antibiotics. but then no one else would be judging me about that either. well, maybe some of those people whose religions are against that sort of thing.
well, here i go.
-al
it's beginning to look a lot like
all month it's been holiday ads and gift ideas and all that other stuff. stuff that used to be started on thanksgiving, not halloween. what the hell? i guess it's a stupid thing to notice/complain about. the commercial nature of christmas and the propaganda for christianity it provides is pretty fucked up so my saying, why can't it just be one month instead of 2 is pretty lame. though i do believe the whole thing has something to do with hanukah. instead of making commercials or 'news reports' (ads) or whatever else specifically for hanukah and then having to make other ads for christmas, they've just extended the run of the ads. or maybe i'm wrong. maybe there's been lots of hanukah specific ads. not that i think equal comercialisation means everyone should be happy. anyway, all of that is beside the point which was that the woman doing the weather said that the storm we're expecting tomorrow night will reach it's something or other on christmas day. which is a long fucking storm, right? yeah, haha. ok.
-al
11.16.2002
not important
saw the harry potter movie (possibly a spoiler, especially if you havne't read all the books). wish it was the next movie already because i have high hopes. i'm disapointed in 1 and 2. they feel like cliff notes. it just seems like they took out important or cool stuff and left in what they could make crazy effects for. and i can't deal with the way they cast people. they're all the wrong age appearance. maybe i'm being superficial, but if they looked the right age it would be different.
first, harry's parents. they got married shortly after getting out of school and then had harry. even if 'school' means some kind of wizarding university, they would only be 25 or so. why do they look old in all the pictures? i don't konw how old the actors actually are.
second, snape, went to school with harry's father, should be 25+11 = 36. alan rickman = 56
i'm sure there are others i'm not thinking of. but most oddly, moaning myrtle, the ghost of a 12 year old girl, is played by a 36 year old woman. what the hell? again, maybe if she looked 12. but she looks 36, and she's also too thin for the character and way too not dorky. becuase of her age, the whole little girl acting thing seems really pervy. i just don't get it. and her crush on harry potter makes it extra ew. what were they thinking?
i really hope they make peter wingfield (a la highlander tv series) as sirius in the new movies. oh man, he would be awesome. i don't know how good an actor he actually is. and i haven't heard anything about him having to do with it, i just thought of him when i thought about who i thought should be in harry potter. of course i thought it would be awesome if i got to be in the movie. i could have been mrs. potter. totally.
yeah, so, that's harry potter corner here on curious kids start fires. so, i'm a loser. oops.
-al
