i'm not a kid anymore. i guess. that sucks. all the innocence is gone and i have pretty much nothing to show for it. anything information i'm ignorant of now i should probably be ashamed of. i'll never feel the joy of discovery again because i know how it all turns out in the end. nothing is what it seemed. or everything is, i just know now i'll never be in the loop.
i don't love anything. i'm not into anything. the magic has been unceremoniously sucked out of everything. i know too much and yet i know nothing.
i'm ashamed of pretty much everything i do. that's no way to live, is it? but i see the shame in everything. i see how no matter what you do, someone else thinks it's stupid. or wrong. and i don't mean just anyone else. people who matter. who matters? i don't know. i don't know anything.
i'm tired of all the shame and i'm tired of all the failing. i'm tired of feeling like i'm pretending all the time. it's all a big farce. or i'm all a big farce.
i'm sorry to be all ambiguous but i don't really want to be specific. it makes more sense this way. i'm just so tired of everything. i'm tired of feeling too late all the time. so late i can't catch up. i'll never catch up. i know everyone says fitting in doesn't matter. it's bad even. but you know what? it fucking matters. it's always mattered. and i bet it always will. at least to me.
-al
10.22.2002
am i hungry or just bored
i'm losing my cooking edge. instead of making ghost shaped shortbread, which was itself a copout from making ghost cupcakes, i bought hydrox cookies. sigh.
i realised why i am trying to squeeze so much into the next two weeks. it's cold! and while it's cold now, it's only going to get colder and then i will be able to do nothing. actually, it's really nice today. but it's so cold in my apartment (colder than outside) that i can't enjoy the nice weather because i don't even know it's nice. i think 'it's freezing' but really it's just because i haven't gone outside yet.
it seems like everything is happening in the next two weeks and then, poof! life will be over. it will be november. it will be cold. all potential will be lost.
everything always seems to happen at the same time. months will go by and there won't be anything i'm really interested in doing and then one night, 5 things will pop up. suck suck. i know i shouldn't complain.
-al
10.20.2002
status
i am still walking on eggshells.
-al
10.11.2002
funk
i hate when i write something i'm sort of proud of on a message board or whatever, i think i'm totally bringing up ideas that haven't been discussed yet and i totally expect to generate some dialogue and then when i go back to the thread a few days later there is nothing. just a comment about how great the site is. i feel like i didn't even write it. or that no one even read it.
-al
10.09.2002
we both know static prevails
when do experiences become memories? or reminiscences? that is to say unspecific experiences. well, not unspecific. i mean like when you smell something and it reminds you of something else. what i'm really wanting to know is how do i go back to experiencing things instead of remembering them. Oh, this is like when i used to do this. or this smells like when i used to work there. i feel like my whole life is like this. nothing new. i'm trying to get through all my memories and catch up with my life where it is. so i can move forward in it. but i just don't know how. i have always felt like i was waiting for something. waiting to catch up and then i can settle into life and fucking live it. wouldn't that be something? i used to identify (though not really appreciate) the term 'late bloomer' but by 25* i really should have bloomed by now, don't you think?
i've also been getting my memories confused with my desires. i can't think ahead so i think i want to return to something. i want to move forward into relationships i've let disintegrate. or move forward into work situations i left. or move forward into the potential of things that never materialised.
i haven't written about my dreams in a while. i haven't really been remembering them. and that is so awesome. i fucking hate dreaming. it leaves me confused and unhappy and most of all tired. fuck dreaming.
and fuck memories too. i hate memories. i hate them because they blur my vision. i hate them because they tug at my guts and spin me around leaving me dizzy and nauseous. i hate them because for all their vividness, they are already done. i can't have them back. why do they keep getting in my way and keeping me from at the very least aspiring to something? i hate them because they are filled with dramatic irony and dramatic irony is killing me. don't open that door! don't waste all that time watching the cosby show! just kiss them! talk to real people not cyber people! just say what you're really feeling! practice! don't be so shy! blah blah fucking blah. but it always turns out the same. i hate memories because they are filled with so much potential which i know i squandered. and i feel like all that potential is totally gone now. like i have nothing left. of course i say, 'like i have nothing left' so i must not really think i have nothing left. but it feels so totally empty. even when i think of where i want to go i know i'll never go there. i know everything will be the same. i will always be facing the wrong way, always confuse my desires with my memories, always be waiting to catch up with time.
*so i won't be 25 until february but i'm trying to get used to the idea.
-al
10.08.2002
oops
i spent the better part of this evening fucking up a batch of brownies and i'm totally pissed about it. i had it all planned so i could make awesome vegan brownie sundays (i already made the ice cream) but nooo. it took me about 45 minutes just to get all the ingredients together and then like a fucking asshole i'm like, 'hey, this batter doesn't seem wet enough... doh dee doh... i'll add some rice milk." oops! i think i know better than the recipe. oops. they would have been right too. i've been trying to make fudgy brownies for forever now. and i know these would have been them. but noo, i have to go and fuck them up. and possibly the pan as well. when the timer chimed the whole thing was still pretty much liquid. so i left it in there for another 35 minutes (the original recipe said 20-25 minutes). so my total was about an hour. what was i thinking? and they were still wet. except as they cooled they became solid and now i worry that my pan is ruined. ugh.
i also made lasagne which really wasn't so bad. could have been better. but not so bad.
cook cook cook. i have so much else to do.
oh, and i made a message board for my band's site. well, i didn't make the message board, it's an ezboard (kind of misnamed i think). check it out here.
-al
10.05.2002
dude looks like a lady
in other news, the guy at the video store repeatedly called me sir today. you'd think that someone who has spent so much time wondering why she wasn't a boy wouldn't be bothered by such a thing but I am. aside from being anxious when people make this mistake because i know i'm not really passing, it's just a mistake and at some point they will realise their mistake and wonder why i didn't correct them and then i have to deal with them apologising or whatever and i have to be all, it's ok, which it is except for the anxiety, but i can't explain, look it's ok, i don't think you should be so concerned with my gender anyway. aside from that, if i were a boy who looked the way i do, with my long hair and, um, stuff, i would be the fucking uncoolest boy ever. maybe not ever. but i don't look like the sort of boy i would want to look like. so it doesn't make me uncomfortable this guy thought i was a boy, i'm just uncomfortable he must have thought i was a big uncool dork. oh well. hopefully i'll get the nerve up to get a haircut soon.
-al
10.02.2002
it's always something
and today it is debilitating menstrual cramps (and various other menstrual-related uncomfortableness).
however, what i wanted to post, which i would have posted last night if i hadn't seen it moments after i shut off the computer (and it was really fucking late) is about a commercial i saw:
ok, i wasn't paying attention at first, so all i heard were a bunch of christians praying (i base that assumption on the prayer), pretty normal televisual moment. but when they finish, the minister says, 'see you all next week. and be careful on your way home.' then it showed all the people sneaking out of the basement of a suburban house, looking around fearfully and walking quickly away. the voiceover comes on and says, "what if america wasn't america?" then a flag takes up the screen, doing it's wavy thing, and the word 'freedom' appears, accompanied by the voiceover saying 'freedom'.
the ad wasn't for anything! it appeared to be for freedom. what the hell?
***********
ok, after further investigation, it appears this was part of a series of psa's meant to encourage us to remember to preserve our civil liberties and not be blinded by the the war on terror. etc. it seems a little ambiguous to me though. maybe if the people in the ad hadn't been christian. i just read another ad that sounded not so bad, about censorship at the library. but then apparently there is one where they equate having a lot of choices in teh supermarket aisle to having freedom. what about choices of who our leaders are? what about the system of corporate domination? it gives a new relevance to the critique of our coke or pepsi version of 'freedom'.
